9 Things Only Bartenders Understand


Bartenders are constantly put through the ringer. Rude customers, complicated drink orders, heat and even surly wait staff. These are things that bartenders only truly understand.

1. Rude Customers. People believe since they pay for service that the bartender is their servant. UH...NO...They are not! Please and Thank you are still proper terms to use in appreciation for the bartenders hospitality. And waving your hand at a bartender is a major faux pas. In fact it's a great way to NEVER get a drink.

2. Changing Drink Recipes. The cocktail menu is designed with the pairing of flavors and alcohols in mind, so don't substitute vodka for gin, and send it back because you didn't like it. There is a delicate balance of flavors going on here DAMMIT! Order your drink and SHUT UP! 

3. Heat. The Bartenders are usually running their asses off. Combine that with the heat coming off the coolers and the steam bath facials they receive when they open the glass washer and the heat can be somewhat overwhelming. So asking them why they're sweating is probably not a good idea.

4. The Close. It's super uncool to walk in at closing time, order a drink at last call and linger. Usually, if you look around, you narcissistic mf-er, you're the only one there. Go somewhere that's open later or go home!

5. Bartenders serve drinks. They are not there to plug in your phone, look things up for you, channel surf for your favorite team or find out if the hot chick across the bar is available... get off your ass and find out yourself.

6. Hook Ups. You can't ask for a free shot or a strong drink the first time you meet a bartender. First of all they don't know you. Secondly you haven't tipped them yet, so why should they hook you up? Every bartender has been burned by the tactic "OH! We're gonna take care of you!" The bartender might as well throw them out right then, because a 12% tip is on the way.

7. The Clean Up. The bartender will clean up the last persons mess as fast as humanely possible. They don't need anyone pushing glassware toward them or taking their bar towel to wipe. They also don't need to hear your drink order until they are prepared to take it. Any hand gesture that denotes the bartender should clean up the mess may be reason for immediate dismemberment. And the felony would be dismissed in court.

8. The Indecisive. Make up your mind already. SHEESH!!! Once you've been given a recommendation and been approached a second time be ready to order. You're not the only person in the bar and others want a drink too. So hurry up!

9. Men that split checks. You're a man with other men. One of you butch up and pick up the tab. PLEASE!